Thursday, April 30, 2009

Coffin Problem

After the tenth plague, the slaying of all the Egyptian first born, Pharaoh told Moses the Jews were free to leave Egypt. So the Jews packed their carts with their belongings and tried to leave. The problem was, with all the dead Egyptians, the funeral homes could not handle the demand. The end result was streets littered with coffins. With the streets impassable, the Jews couldn't get their carts out of their driveways. They complained to Moses, "We can't get out of Egypt unless you do something about these blocked streets." Moses, in turn, called out to G-d, "Lord, please do something about this coffin problem."

Understand with all the commotion it was hard for G-d to hear what Moses was saying. He thought Moses said 'Coughin" and responded by turning all the wine into cough syrup. And that is why, to this day, the children of Israel drink Passover wine that resembles cough syrup.


Thought for the Day

Avoid cliches like the plague ... they're a dime a dozen!

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Mahatma Gandhi, Ravi Shankar

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. (author unknown)

While in Hawaii, Ravi Shankar attended a luau, where he heard the ukulele for the first time. When his host asked how he liked the music, he answered, "Close, but no sitar." (Rich Orwell)

Friday, April 24, 2009

New Ideas for the Church

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now."

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n' roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony." "Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."

"All of these ideas have been well and good," said the elderly priest, "But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-through confessional." "But, Father," protested the young priest, "My confessions have nearly doubled since I began that, as have contributions!" "Yes," replied the elderly priest, "And I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell" can NOT stay on the church roof."

Forwarded by Rick Barnhouse


Thought for the Day

Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

Worms

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results: The first worm in alcohol - Dead. The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead. The third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead. The fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the minister asked the congregation, "What can you learn from this demonstration?" Maxine, who was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!" That pretty much ended the sermon - and the service.

From Mikey's Funnies (www.mikeysFunnies.com)


Thought for the Day

By the time you make ends meet, they'll move the ends.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Important Notice; Knowledge vs. Wisdom

IMPORTANT NOTICE

You may have noticed the increased amount of notices for you to notice. Some of our notices have not been noticed. This is very noticeable.

It has also been noticed that the responses to the notices have been noticeably unnoticed. This notice is to remind you to notice the notices and respond to the notices, because we do not want the notices (or the responses) to go unnoticed.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is NEVER putting it in a fruit salad.

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Recipe for a Prosperous, Peaceful Year

Take twelve, fine, full-grown months; see that these are free from all old memories of bitterness, rancor, hate and jealousy. Cleanse them completely from every bit of clinging spite, pick off all specks of pettiness and littleness; in short, see that these months are freed as much as possible from the past.

Cut these months into thirty or thirty-one equal parts. This batch will keep for just one year. Do not attempt to make up the whole batch at one time (so many persons spoil the entire lot in this way), but prepare one day at a time, as follows:

Into each day put...

Twelve parts of faith,
Eleven of patience,
Ten of courage,
Nine of work,
Eight of hope,
Seven of fidelity,
Six of liberality,
Five of kindness,
Four of rest,
Three of prayer,
Two of meditation,
and one well selected resolution.

Put in about a teaspoonful of good spirits, a dash of fun, a pinch of folly, a sprinkling of play, and a heaping cupful of good humor.

Pour into the whole love ad libitum and mix with vim. Cook thoroughly in a fervent heat; garnish with a few smiles and a sprig of joy; then serve with quietness, unselfishness, and cheerfulness, and a Happy New Year is certain.

(Author unknown; seen on several Christian and inspirational sites and mailing lists)

May your year contain all of these and many, many blessings.

Sunday, September 2, 2007

Things We Wouldn't Know Without Sunday School

Things We Wouldn't Know Without Sunday School

~ With your eyes closed for prayer, anything can happen in a room full of preschoolers.
~ Prayer requests reveal a lot about parents.
~ A fire extinguisher is a handy device.
~ Helium tanks should be chained down tightly.
~ Cheap glue adheres best to skin.
~ Kool-Aid and song motions do not mix.
~ Grand pianos are not as durable as you might think.
~ Church maintenance people do not have a sense of humor.
~ Offering money always rolls to the other side of the room when dropped.
~ Hand-me-down sound systems can get loud during communion.
~ Ushers do not have a sense of humor.
~ Parachute games should not be used in a room with a chandelier.
~ Animal crackers can be sneezed out the nose.
~ There are good reasons why pastor's kids have a bad reputation.
~ Helium intoxication does not engender respect in a staff meeting.

Adapted/edited by Eric Farthing from Mikey's Funnies (www.mikeysFunnies.com).